Ah, what do you know, it is 2015 and we’re rapidly approaching the onset of yet another lengthy, exhausting, money-soaked search for the next President of the United States of America. If you’re like me, it isn’t a sense of excitement that grips you – more a foreboding sense of morbid dread at the thought of electing any of the current front runners to lead this country. Below I’ve listed eight best-case odds for the apparent “leaders of the pack” to become the next leader of the free world. For humor’s sake more than political awareness – here are some tidbits about each of these people the pundits are deeming “qualified” to be the most powerful person on the planet.
Hillary Clinton (6/5) – Recent news stories have uncovered the fact that the ex-Secretary of State was relying solely on a personal email account to discuss the classified and controversial issues of state security- i.e. Benghazi.
Jeb Bush (5/2) – This shouldn’t need any explanation to any semi-intelligent citizen with an active pulse. If America elects another Bush – I’ll either kill myself or just quit paying all of my bills and live outside the White House flashing my pasty hairy ass towards the west wing at the top of each hour.
Marco Rubio (10/1) – Received over $200,000 from hedge fund giant Elliott Management and Goldman Sachs in 2014. No doubt that they would likely foot a large portion of his impending 2016 campaign. Also, he was born in Miami – the sweaty cesspool of America.
Chris Christie (12/1) – To think I almost thought Christie was a stand up guy, however recent reports detail the appalling claims Christie was part in the negotiations to reduce the fines of Exxon Mobil from $8.9 billion down to a paltry $250 million.
Scott Walker (14/1) – This turd cut $2.6 billion from education services of Wisconsin. In a time where American students are gradually falling further and further behind the rest of the developed world, electing someone who doesn’t value the importance of education over money wouldn’t quite be ideal.
Rand Paul (16/1) – I don’t have much to say about Rand, as I have always enjoyed his father Ron’s brutal honesty about failing American policies. That said, Rand has his fair share of scandals in his past including bribery, plagiarism, and issues revolving around women.
Mitt Romney (16/1) – He should take his magical Mormon underpants and retire to some big mansion in Utah to avoid the embarrassment of losing again – this time possibly to a woman.
Elizabeth Warren (18/1) – This woman is brash, bold, and ready to take on the corrupt practices that have devolved Washington to what it is today. Again, she is not immune to scandal and her Republican counterparts will be quick to point out the fact she once listed herself as Native American or that she might have submitted plagiarized recipes to a cooking magazine once.
In short – one of these assholes is likely to be the next leader of the free world.
*Presidential Odds Can be Found Here